


Spring Break '71

by galaxymir



Series: My First and My Last [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Angst, Early 70s, F/F, Fluff, Hitchhiking, Short & Sweet, Ymir's POV, some sexual content, ymir falls hard lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-11 14:22:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10467084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxymir/pseuds/galaxymir
Summary: I don't believe in love at first sight. I think it's a grave mistake.– Lee Kuan YewFirst love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity.– George Bernard Shaw





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> old drabble from last year. let's just say i had to get my 70's yumikuri fix for the time being since C&C is on a semi-hiatus...  
> and if i haven't made it known already, i love writing from ymir's point of view because she's just so fun to write
> 
> enjoy!

**+**

 

  
  Her name was Christa.

  I first caught sight of her at a bonfire by Smith Mountain Lake. It happened at random, of course. Everything had been that way that year. But then again, maybe it was fate.

  She was a friend of a friend and from what I was told, had quite the personality.

  The flat sounding guitar that a guy played all throughout the night still managed to emit melodic songs and tunes which set the mood, putting everyone in a state of bliss and ease. Through the blazing flames that danced in between us, I watched her sing and talk with others, her angelic presence quite appealing. When she finally looked at me, her smile was all knowing, those rosebud lips shiny with gloss. Then without saying a word, she got up and slipped away from the group. I followed after. She rolled a cigarette in the back of a pickup truck and offered it to me first before taking a hit.

  “When I was little, my sister would read these big ass books about princesses and shit to me,” she said when she lied her head on my lap. “I used to always ask her why there was never a princess who was the knight in shining armor saving her prince or even better yet, her own princess.”

  She sat up and looked at me. Her wavy hair. Her bright eyes. The moonlight on her face. I knew right away that this moment would forever be fresh on my mind.

  Silence began to not exist, for I could hear everything as I waited for her to speak again. The rustle of leaves. The whistling wind. I didn’t get words. She kissed me. It had been a kiss so soft and gentle that when she pulled away, I quickly began to wonder what was the purpose behind it.

  “I think I could be your knight in shining armor.”

  Her sweet smug made me laugh. “Oh yeah?”

  She nodded and got up into my lap, her dainty hands cupping my face. “You should come with me tomorrow on a fun fucking adventure. I don’t want to catch rides by myself.” I agreed with her reasoning. She was young and so was I. I wanted her safe even though I hardly knew her.

  “Where are you trying to go?”

  I expected a shrug but she actually gave an answer.

  “I’m trying to get to California where all the surfer dudes and movie stars are,” she said with much enthusiasm. “There’s gonna be this pretty neat concert this weekend on the beach with all these local bands and musicians. I’ve been planning to go for quite some time now but none of my friends are up for it.”

  If it had been anyone else telling me this, I would’ve called them crazy before bluntly turning them away. But because it was her who said these things, I willingly took the offer.

  That next morning, the smell of the smoldering fire mixed with the brisk aroma of a new day. She was already up and moving like an energetic rabbit, hopping around as she struggled out of her clothes to put on new ones.

  “Gotta look flirty for the fellas, huh?” she giggled as she picked the little thin branches and leaves from out of her hair.

  I shielded the sun from my eyes and smiled.

  Once I helped her roll up the blanket that we had fallen asleep on, I gave word to the people I initially came with, telling them that I would see them back on campus sometime soon. They gave me their goodbyes, hugs, and kisses before sending me off.

  “You have a lot of friends.” she muttered as she took my hand and led the way.

  “They’re not really my friends, though. Just acquaintances.” I replied.

   
  On the walk to the parking lot, she would stop and I would stop with her. I'd watched her crouch down to pick up a smooth stone and play with it for a few before tossing it back like a disappointed fisherman. This made me furrow my brows time and time again but I didn’t question her and her antics.

  She did ask a lot questions about myself, though. What was my favorite constellation. If I liked to wear bras. What brand of conditioner did I use. I answered her each and every one, finding some joy in them.

  Right when I stepped onto the warm asphalt, I turned around to look at her again. Another stone was in her hand and she seemed to be very pleased with it. I secretly hoped that she wasn’t those people who were overly obsessed with nature.  
  
  She read my mind and sighed. “I’m not a weirdo. I just like to collect rocks for my nephew. He likes to paint on them.”

  I nodded to show that I understood. “Is he any good at it?”

  “He’s four. Of course, he sucks,” she deadpanned as she walked past me. “But give him a good decade or two and he’ll be the next Michelangelo, painting ceilings for the Pope.”

  My lips twitched up in a smile. “I’ll be looking out for him.”

  She shook her head as she turned around and slowly walked towards me until she was close again. “You should be looking out for me.” Her finger poked the packet of cigarettes in my shirt pocket. The cool smirk that was on her face made me bite my lip and for whatever reason, pull a stick out and light it for her. We began walking again until we spotted a young couple packing their things up into a station wagon that had “Just Married” painted in white paint on the rear windshield.

  “Outdoorsy newlyweds. How beautiful.” she sighed, handing back the cigarette. She went straight toward them and calmly caught their attention. It amazed me at how quick she was able to befriend them. She complimented the ring on the girl’s finger and congratulated the guy for finally “getting his shit together.”

  Then after a few minutes of conversation, I was called over. I had already been introduced as the quiet, shy girlfriend who bonded with nature through photography. Christa wasn’t far off. I was just more of an art person.

  The husband, who was made known as Eren, chuckled. “Where’s your camera?”

  I looked down to the girl beside me for an answer to give. She was no help.

  “Dropped it in the lake. I tried to fish for it but it was gone.” I said to the young couple. They both accepted my answer without any more questions.

  We were let into their car, Mikasa, the wife, giving us the leftover candy they had had for themselves. I politely refused since I wasn’t a big fan of chocolate but I still ended up having to hold the box.

  Christa did most of the talking with the two while I only sat there with my head against the chilled window. Apparently, she was right about me being the quiet and shy “girlfriend.”

  Mikasa happened to be from California and told the story of how she met Eren on the naval base in San Diego. Their love reminded me of the ones portrayed in the movies. It was too good to be true.

  Christa was, of course, engaged the whole time, eating truffle after truffle. I, on the other hand, paid more attention to the many signs indicating that we were no longer in Roanoke, the city that had always been a part of me.

  
**+**

  
  She poured her syrup onto her short stack of pancakes, holding the dispenser up high, the thick liquid spilling slowly. We sat in a diner, it semi-empty and on the border between Virginia and Tennessee. Mikasa and Eren had dropped us off in Bristol which was a couple minutes south from where they lived. Christa was the one who suggested that we should eat and complained about her aching stomach until we did.

  “Did you know that your eyes are this color?” she quietly asked, setting the glass container down. “They’re just a tad bit lighter but similar. They catch the light even.”

  “You’re the first person that’s told me this,” I said after swallowing down a sip of coffee. If there wasn’t any nicotine, I always had caffeine. We both finished the last cigarette on the walk to the diner. It did upset me at first but I soon relaxed once I remembered that Christa had a few that we could roll up.

  Christa pulled out the map that Mikasa had given us once she took a bite of her soggy pancake. She ran her finger along the red line that signified an interstate, the interstate that would take us west. “We have to find someone who’s going that way.” She sat up and scanned the room. I watched her eyes, her iridescent irises carefully moving over the faces of the people who went about their day. I could tell that she was looking for signs of kindheartedness, the people who would be willing take us the whole way without questioning. I could also tell that she was looking for suckers, men and maybe even women who thought that they were going to get something in return such as a kiss or the chance to grope her breast or behind.

  Christa was unsuccessful. “Old people. Lots of old people and a few creeps,” she mumbled as she stabbed her fork into her eggs.

  I slightly grinned even though I knew we were screwed. I found myself loving how Christa showed her emotions, how she expressed herself. The little crinkle of her nose. The over exaggerated sighs. Her reddening cheeks. It was something I found cute.

  The jingle bells on the door sounded. A group of guys came in. One of them had a guitar strapped to his back. Another wore a pair of thick glasses that reminded me of Grandpa. They sat down in the booth behind Christa. She didn’t seem to notice.

  Though I was known for being a lone wolf, I knew how to wiggle my way into groups of people. I knew how to converse and crack jokes like any normal person would. After sitting there, watching them drink their mugs of coffee and eat their many slices of toast with jelly as they laughed and talked, I got up and got in the booth beside Christa and waited for the right moment to speak.

  “You guys are a band?”

  The dude with freckles turned around and smiled at me. “Well, of course, we are. A band with no name.”

  I raised a brow. “No name? Then what do people call you?”

  Glasses guy chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. “By our own name. Jean’s group. Marco’s group. Samuel, Thomas and so on.”

  I understood for the most part and glanced over at Christa to see that she was listening.

  “Where are you guys going?” I asked, continuing quietly.

  “Dallas,” the beach blond answered. “Jean got us a gig down there.”

  When I gave my eyes back to Christa, she was already looking at the map, her finger tracing the way from Dallas to California. She looked up at me and smiled brightly.

   
  Glasses guy or Jean was behind the wheel. He explained how they were all college dropouts. Music was their calling. It was their own way to success.

  “So you two are ‘together’ together?” Marco with the freckles asked. He had turned around in his seat and began to talk to us.

  I went to say no but Christa responded before I could. “We met in college also. There’s this cute little cafe that she used to work at and I would always go to bother her. Then one day, she made the mistake of asking me out just so that I would leave her alone. And to her own dismay, she’s now stuck with me.”

  I was impressed at how much of a good storyteller she was. She came up with every little detail off the top of her pretty little head.

  Marco smiled. “Well, isn’t that cute?”

  From Bristol to Dallas, it was about thirteen to fourteen hours of continuous driving. That meant that we had to stay on the road. No pit stops or pee breaks until the end of the trip.

  When the sun had set later on that day, Christa stroked my cheek after she had woken up from a deep slumber. Her hand was soft with sweet smelling lotion. “You look tired,” she whispered.

  I shook my head. “I’m good.” I watched over her and made sure that the instrument playing strangers wouldn’t lay a hand on her. They were nice but there was a part of me that didn’t fully trust them. I didn’t know why I did this. I didn’t know what made me feel like I had to protect the girl who I had only just met not even twenty-four hours ago.

  “When we get to the city, we need to get a room,” I said softly, my voice cracking. We had enough money to put together for a night. Marco even promised to give us a few twenties before they dropped us off.

  I heard her snicker.

  “We’ll cuddle in cheap bedsheets.”

  I nodded, chuckling myself. “Yeah.”

  The border to Texas was straight ahead. I could feel some kind of excitement bubble up within me because I knew that we were getting closer and closer to Christa’s destination.

   
  At midnight, I held her close, my warmth growing with hers. This affection was something I was quickly becoming familiar with. We didn’t get under any covers or shed any clothes. It was just us, lying there, living in the moment.

 

  
**+**


	2. Chapter 2

**+**

 

  The bathroom of the club became our own.

  I stared at her. She stared back. The lamp that hung up above swayed slightly, drifting back and forth. I finally pushed off of the wall and got close to her once again, our faces only a few inches apart. We were in Albuquerque, the day being a Tuesday, and the sun was long gone. The nocturnal left their homes to party the night away while we were only out because we needed something to do to cure our boredom.

  “Are you going to kiss me?” Christa grinned. She had makeup on. The blue eyeshadow she wore shimmered and shined. Her lips had a glossy sheen to them which meant that when I did kiss her, I would get a faint taste of strawberries.

  “I don’t know.” I shrugged, making her laugh. I pursed my lips to hold back a smile and rested my head on her shoulder. My face moved up to the crook of her neck so that I could smell the lavender scented body wash our hotel provided. She always smelled sweet to me. Like a flower that never lost its fragrance.

  I felt her hands roam my back, kneading my muscles tenderly.

  “Why did you come with me?” she had asked, disrupting our silence. “You don’t seem like an adventurous person.”

  My lips brushed against her skin as I nuzzled against her. “I had to make sure you had a safe trip.” That was only half of the truth. I wanted her.

  Christa hummed, sending me vibrations. “I figured you just wanted to get in my panties. Just fuck me and leave.”

  I shook my head. It was much more than that. She was like a grand painting—a painting that was so wonderfully and beautifully made that I had to get to know, memorize, and understand it. She was something delicate to me.

  Sex didn’t have to happen when I was with her but there were two occasions when it did.

  In Phoenix, we lied out on the grass of a golf course. It had been a hot Wednesday night which was why Christa only wore a pair of underwear and I wore just my jeans. She was on top of me, her hands in my hair as we kissed.

  The last time I had ever been in such a compromising position with anyone was when I was sixteen. Mr. Walker, the cranky neighbor who owned a plethora of foxhounds, had a daughter my age that spent her time making pottery and reading giant books about Spain.

  Grandpa would compare me to her, claiming that she was what I needed to be in life. His words discouraged me at first but once I really got to know Mr. Walker’s daughter, I took his comments into actual consideration.

  Her dark hair was always held up with a clip. Rhinestone butterflies shining in the light. She would always sit behind me and guide my hands as the clay spun, her voice at a calming whisper when she spoke to me. Her plain white t-shirts would sometimes be splattered with her two favorite colors, yellow and purple. The tiny mole at the corner of her mouth was always made darker with eyeliner while the rest of her face stayed free of makeup. I could list every single thing I knew about her. She was just that perfect to me.  
  
  When she asked me about my love life as we sat there watching our vases cook in the oven, I answered with a laugh. She saw that as her chance to dig deeper within me and asked me more questions about myself that I didn’t even know the answer to. The last question that she asked regarded our friendship. Was it something that I enjoyed? My response was a kiss and it caused her to go quiet. I freaked out and became a stammering mess as I scrambled to leave, but she ended up stopping me and looked me in the eye.

  “You’re a crazy kid.” she said before proceeding to return the favor.

  Because of her, I gained some experience even though I never used it after she had finally left to Barcelona for a study abroad opportunity.  
  
  I was able to take care of Christa with my knowledge. She finally let me control her for once as I gave her my own sense of direction.

  “I don’t think that we should pretend anymore. I want you to be mine.” she panted, her smile lazy as she lied under me.

  I kissed her flushed cheek after nodding.

 

**+**

  
  We got back into motion again that Thursday morning. Diner. Eavesdrop. Hitch a ride. The weekend was right around the corner, taunting us. I couldn’t help but become antsy at the thought of us not getting to where we planned to be. In the middle of my mental storm of negative thoughts, Christa tied a chiffon scarf around her neck as her hair blew in the wind. “How does this look?”

  “You need some shades,” I said, taking off the drugstore sunglasses I wore on my head. I put them on her and gave a satisfied sigh. “There. You look like a very important person now.”

  Christa pulled the glasses down her nose and blinked at me. “Now? I’m a very important person now?”  
  
  I rolled my eyes at her melodramatic response and exhaled. “Mhm, just now.”

  Her eyes narrowed and her bottom lip jutted out. If it wasn’t for the other people that were in the car, I would’ve laid one right on her pouty lips. The driver and his brother were extreme conservatives with their tight neckties and ironed button ups. They were on their way to Anaheim for some kind of church conference and were quite enthusiastic when Christa had asked them if they could take us along the way. Christa and I still kept our talking to a minimum just so that we wouldn’t draw any unwanted attention. They were still men with dicks.

 

  California was different just by the brightness of the sky, hills that were sometimes green and sometimes gold. There were even times when there weren't any hills at all. Just flat land. I knew that Christa was taking everything in. She would take deep breaths just because it was “California air” or would stick her hand out the window to feel the cool breezes. She was appreciative, which I adored dearly.

 

  I handed her the quarters that she needed when she asked.

  “I’ll be right back. I just have to make a phone call,” she said before leaving to the set of telephone booths that were situated across the street. I watched her from the bench and took notice of how quick she spun through the numbers, meaning that she had them memorized. The act of standing and waiting, listening to ring after ring, was common for everyone. Eagerness and impatience gnawing at very our beings. It was an important call. I knew this because of the way she bounced on her toes and how she tapped on the glass of the stall. Then when the phone was finally answered, she turned to the corner, hiding there, and most likely initiated the conversation.

  The call lasted for about five minutes. She came walking back, mumbling a repetition of words to herself before asking, “Do you have a pen? Maybe some paper?”

  I gave her a pencil and ripped a page out of my sketchbook. It was the last blank sheet, all of the other ones occupied by her face or the scenery I couldn’t take a picture of. She scribbled something down on it and folded it up so that it could be tucked it into her pocket.

  “Thank you,” she said after a beat of silence. “Let’s go find somewhere to stay.”

  Christa began to act kind of odd for that rest of the day. She didn’t talk as much or ask questions. She didn’t attempt to wander off and explore as she always did. While all of this did catch me off guard, it didn’t affect me as much as her not even looking at me did.

  “We’re here where you wanted to be, right? The surfer dudes, movie stars...it’s all here. What’s wrong?” I asked her as she began to quickly walk again after we had stepped off of the bus. We were on our way to somewhere, somewhere that I couldn't have cared less about. It was almost dark out and I couldn’t help but worry for her. Each and every time her hand slipped from mine, my anxiety grew.

  The house we stood in front of wasn’t bad looking even in the darkness that was the night. Potted plants adorned the porch. The wind chimes greeted us as they rung. Christa looked back at me, giving me her purse.

  “Wait for me, okay?”

  She didn’t halt for an answer. She went up the steps and gently knocked on the door and when it opened, she didn’t have to say a thing to get the woman to speak.

  “I was starting to think you weren’t going to come...” The woman had a hand pressed to her chest, showing her surprise.

  Christa cleared her throat after a brief pause. “I changed my mind.”

  I didn’t get it, all this tension and heaviness. We were supposed to back in our room, preparing ourselves for what was in store that upcoming weekend. Not out in the slight cold that captured the night.

  Then in the doorway also appeared a man who must’ve heard all that had been said. He sported a look of confusion rather than one of shock. “What...What is she doing here?”

  Just when I was about to question the situation that was transpiring before me, Christa sighed.

  “May I come in? Just for a little?”

  Both the man and woman nodded without any hesitation, allowing her in and leaving me unnoticed.

 

  
**+**


	3. Chapter 3

**+**

 

  I opened the pack of cigarettes some man had bought for us at one of the grocery stores we went to. My finger ran over a row before plucking a stick, but once the butt touched my lips, my craving disappeared at the glimmering thought of Christa. She had been in the house for a while, my behind numb from the wooden step I was perched on. The uncertainty and concern that I felt kept my brows furrowed and my teeth clenched. Who were those people that Christa seemed to already know? What was the reason for the strange reactions the both of them had when they saw her on their doorstep? The many questions that I had could do only so much to keep me alert.

  From time to time, I would glance back at the door, hoping that it would open and that the blonde I quickly came to know would come skipping out and into my waiting arms.

  I even looked through her purse at one point. Not to be a creep, though. I was learning like how I used to learn about the women my father used to bring home when I was little. Cigarette ashes. A compact with cracked rouge and a dirty mirror. Newspaper clippings. Spare change. Crumpled bookstore receipts. A wallet full of fading baby photos and phone numbers.

  “Typical girl,” I grumbled.

  A typical girl that my heart also began beat for.

  The door eventually opened soon after I finally finished up the smoke I had been struggling with. I jumped up, already ready to greet her with my arms. But as always, I got my hopes up.

  She gave a quiet sigh as she trotted down the creaky steps. She took her belongings back and grabbed my hand. “Sorry I kept you long.”

  I shook my head. “It’s fine.”

  I looked for any sign of distress but didn’t find any. I then saw myself as an overprotective parent that would make up the worst of scenarios only to soon find out that they were actually crazy.

  I was crazy. Crazy with love.

  We went back down the block, her hand still snug in mine. My eyes wouldn’t leave her face. I still wanted to understand, to know.

  “Who were those people? How do you know them?”

  Christa smiled a pretty smile which caused my insides to flutter. She shook her head and kissed the back of my hand. “You’re just as bad as me. You want to figure everything out.”

  I smiled also. “You’re right but I have my reasons unlike you.”

  She looked up at me, the moonlight gracing the side of her face as it had always done. “Yeah? You do?”

  “You’re curious just because you can be. I’m curious because I want questions to be answered.”

  “What an interesting thesis.” Christa laughed. Her voice rang above the hilltops and to the twinkling sky.

 

**+**

 

  She was in a much better mood that Friday morning. She practically glowed. Her hands played with my hair. Her lips pressed kisses against my own and my cheeks. It had been a lazy morning that had an aura so bright. I felt the beginnings of a good day and it brought me comfort. We played “I Spy” as we lied under the covers, our bodies close, our faces closer. It was a moment that I could not have ever dreamed of. And after our little fun game, she told me secrets, ones that wouldn’t matter much to anybody else. I laughed with her and sometimes at her, my once simple soul becoming more intricate with love and joy. The sun embraced us as I embraced her, returning her kisses with my own.

  I was happy.

  When the clock struck twelve, she got up. She took a plain shirt from her suitcase and put it on over herself to cover up.

  “I think we should go out today.” she said.

  I sat up, letting the blankets fall from me. “We can do that.”

  Nothing was planned. All we did was dress ourselves, count our bills and coins, and wander out into the sunlight that warmed the city. I wiped the sweat from her brow as she flipped through her address book. There weren't too many addresses. Just checklists. She crossed off one by one.

  “Old stuff from high school,” she murmured.

  She got to the final page and hummed to herself before glancing up at me. “Ever tried sushi before?”

  I made a face and shook my head. “Raw fish? Never.”

  She closed her book and tugged at my hand. “But come on, you bore. It’s something new. It’s on my bucket list along with everything else we’ve already done.”

  Hearing this made me quirk a brow. “Bucket list?”

  She nodded at me like as if I had already known.

  “Well okay then...but I’m still not a fan of raw anything.”

  The many faces she made, whether to tease me or to please me, always made me give in. I poked her bottom lip and sighed. “We’ll go only if you stop pouting.”

  She smiled again, causing a chuckle to fall from my lips.

  After an interesting lunch, we continued to spend the rest of daylight together, hand in hand, strolling the sidewalks and streets, getting a taste of the city of angels.

  The record stores were her favorite. My eyes followed her as she pranced up and down the aisles, her nimble fingers flipping through albums upon albums. She made me listen to songs I hadn’t heard before, soon serenading me afterward with love ballads. She flirted with the young clerk at another store, who had been eyeing her down the whole time we had been there, making him become a sputtering, sweaty mess as he checked her items. She would even kiss each and every knuckle of my hand as I tried to look for a couple records for myself. I soon became a flustered mess only because I was captivated by her and every little thing that she did. At the clothing stores, she tried on sparkly dresses and short shorts. She modeled heels that were high and more of those cat eyed sunglasses of every color. While she played around, I browsed the jewelry. Charm bracelets, cheap shiny earrings, diamond necklaces. I pointed to the pretty turquoise ring that was displayed, the man behind the counter giving me a grin.

  “For Miss Blondie?”

  I tried to hold back a smile but it poured through. He gave it to me for free only because he saw the puppy love.

  Christa bought what she had wanted, a barrette of daisies, and had me clip it into her hair.

  “Cute, right?” she asked.

  I held back the words I truly wanted to say, only pressing my lips to her temple.

  We explored much more until the time came to relax. We made it to the beach right when the sun began to set. Fewer people were out and about which I found strange. Yet, I still didn’t ask any questions. We found a place in the sand. She found a place in my arms. The sky was pink and red, turning purple and blue by the second. I couldn’t hold back my words.

  “It’s nice,” I started. “Beautiful like my love for you.”

  She didn’t say anything right away and I didn’t expect her to. It was a confession meant to be laughed at and forgotten. I listened to the waves, how they crashed and rumbled, how they curled and rolled. I began to smile, serenity more pronounced than ever. And just when I was about to sink into my newfound peace, I heard Christa cry. They weren’t happy sobs or whimpers. She was suddenly troubled, disturbed, and it brought back my grief.

  “Hey, hey–look at me, Christa. Look at me.” I took ahold of her face but she was quick to push me away. Her beautiful hands that I grew to adore were used against me. I didn’t know what to think. She moved away from me, putting a wall between us, a wall that I couldn’t ignore.

  “Why don’t you go back and get rest? W–We have a big day tomorrow…” Her stammering showed that she was nervous, probably afraid even. I was hurt by seeing her like this.

  I hesitated to get up but she sternly spoke again. “I’ll be fine, Ymir. Just go.”

  I swallowed the thick lump in my throat and grabbed my shoes and bag. I forced myself to leave. I forced myself to look forward. She needed space and I gave her it.

 

  Late, late at night, she came sneaking in. I heard her undress and tiptoe to the bathroom. When the shower started going, I rolled onto my back. I was embarrassed, maybe slightly angry, but I didn’t plan on showing it. It wasn’t her fault. I made the mistake. I made the wrong assumption. I had gotten caught up so quick, it was as if I was stuck in my own fairy tale, one that was so cheesy and unbelievable. I was ashamed just for believing that I had found the one, the one that would rescue me from a life that was colorless even with my many paints and pastels.

  She came out, the steam trailing behind her, her hands gripping onto the towel wrapped around her. I lifted up and went to speak but she beat me to it.

  “I’m sorry, for what happened. I was...I was just surprised.”

  I only stared at her. My eyes ran over her pink tinted skin, her stringy, darkened hair that still dripped water. I met her eyes once again and shook my head.

  “No, I’m sorry...I shouldn’t have been so...impulsive.”

  She didn’t accept my apology. I knew this because she smiled. She smiled lazily as she walked forward towards me. She got up onto the bed, stood up on her knees, and once she was in front of me, above me, she allowed her towel to fall, revealing her everything. She kissed my nose, her thumbs stroking my cheeks. I released a breath that I didn’t know I was holding as she tended to me.

  “You did nothing wrong. It’s how you feel...You shouldn’t be so upset about your feelings,”

  She moved her head down to take my lips and as she began to kiss me, I began to lose all sense of the real world. I was chucked into an abyss of desire and adulation and ended back on the bed with her on top of me.

  It had been a night of a new kind of intimacy. The heat and rush weren't the same as it had been in Phoenix. It was different, better, unforgettable. She said she loved me time after time, again and again, and I believed her. She wasn’t telling a silly tale. She was honest with every moan and pleased cry.  

  I didn’t know how long we went on for.

  All I knew was that I felt complete.

 

 

**+**


	4. Chapter 4

**+**

  I didn’t get to sleep for very long. Christa’s absence woke me, my deep slumber no longer having a solid grip on my soul. I called out her name as my hands reached out, in search of her warmth. When I came up fruitless, I opened my eyes.

  “Chris’...what’re you doing down there?” I rasped.

  She lingered at the foot of the bed, already dressed in a blouse and blue jeans. She was ready to go somewhere, ready to go out conquer the big world that we lived in even though the sun barely peeked over the horizon of city buildings and palm trees. Her eyes flickered up to mine, a sudden heaviness in them. Something was wrong.

  “I’m just getting dressed...was I too loud?”

  Her once bold and confident voice had become timid and unsure. This, of course, troubled me. I shook my head in response and rose up, the sheets sliding off me to pool around my hips. Before I even thought to ask another question, my eyes darted over to her packed suitcase that sat by the door. I recalled her unwillingness to keep things tidy when it came to her clothes which brought me to a place of bewilderment. She saw my eyes and saw the questioning look on my face.

  “It was getting messy in here. I had to clean up,” Her fingers tugged at a piece of her hair, her other set toyed with the buttons of her shirt, and her bottom lip grew snug in between her teeth. I had never seen her fidget like this before, this nervous energy suddenly taking up the room, all calm space touched and forgotten. It took her a moment to look at me again and with a seemingly forced smile, she turned away. “You’re staring.”

  I already knew that I was. I was held prisoner by her awkward mannerisms and quiet words. I was unnerved and uneasy just by seeing her act in such a way.

  “You good? You’re fine, right?” I asked.

  She didn’t have to say a thing. Her stiffening body answered for her.

  My eyes fell from the back of her head to the wrinkled sheets. The silk like fabric felt good against my skin and with this observation, my mind went elsewhere. The simple distraction kept me from wandering further into the depth of questions I longed to ask. It kept me from continuing to pry. I then began to listen for something more than just the silence that hung. A breeze came from the slightly opened window. It was a soft song that carried the sounds of a resurrected day—chirping birds, early birds, and the very few cars that hummed the streets. I closed my eyes and waited for much more just so that Christa’s presence was overshadowed by the sound. She didn’t want to be bothered. She was clearly viable on her own. I did my best to accept that even with the sting that pained my heart.

  I had never been the person to lend a helping a hand when it came to such circumstances that involved emotions or feelings, but with her, Christa, I felt that I had to do everything I could to keep her sane, to keep her happy. Whether if it was to sit there and listen to her talk about her interesting life back home or to even try new foods that I had never even heard of, I was willing to do it.

  I had fallen in between the cracks of impetuous love.

  “I lied,” she breathed after a honk of a car that blurted into the room.

  My eyes drew open and there she still stood, finally showing her face. She was slack and tears were back in her eyes. They didn’t have the same meaning as the ones she shed the day prior.

  “What?” I tightly asked. I was even more rattled by her words.

  Her hands shot up to her face, a loud, shaky exhale leaving from her.

  “You’re in love with me...You just don’t love me,” she whispered. “You’re stuck, crushed, caught, and you don’t even know me,”

  Her voice was bland. It was as blank as a fresh, new sheet of paper. It drained the room of its color, the earth tones and creams fading away until there was nothing but a sad gray.

   “It’s not your fault, though. You can’t help it. You just don’t know any better.”

  The many memories of the past days and nights we spent flooded my head like a river, panic stirred within my still tired body, and my throat grew tighter than it had already been. If her was statement was as true as she claimed, that missing part of me that I had finally gotten a grasp on would have lost all meaning. It would have disappeared, putting me back in an eternal state of fragments. I searched for a smile or a sparkle in her pretty eyes, but my sudden stupor hindered me from seeing her as she was.

  A laugh so dry emitted from her. She had told me once before that when she was more than just a mindless wreck, she would fumble in laughter as she cried. She dubbed herself twisted but I refuted her claim.

  The clock ticked on, her sniffles and the silence that remained enveloping us. I still sat there, still paralyzed by the fear that preyed.

  “I don’t like surfer dudes or movie stars. I hate the fucking beach. I hate princesses and fairytales,” She paused to steady herself. “My sister’s not really my sister and my nephew, her son, died last year from some rare heart condition. I collect all those rocks just so I have something to give when I go visit him on his birthday...”

  Christa’s voice was broken. It cracked and squeaked like a weathered house that threatened to collapse. Still, I listened and watched the destruction that took place, revelation upon revelation tormenting us both.

  “I never lived on a farm with my grandparents. Never been to Florida or that art museum you always talk about. My friends were all made up. No Mina. No Hanna. No Franz. I hate coffee and tea. I–I’m not even in college because I fucked up so many times in high school,”

  She finally came to a halt and pulled her hands away to look at me once again. Guilt was present before me, it took the form of her fragile body.

  “I used you, Ymir… I lied to you and used you. A-And you love me. I still don’t know how to feel about that...”

  Silence won again and still, I continued to stare long and hard, waiting for a surge of scolding, hot rage. It didn’t come. I cleared my throat, preparing to speak, though I didn’t have any words to say. She was a good storyteller. That’s all I had thought she was. Every little detail of her life was hard to believe but it still somehow made sense. I could say the same about my sudden infatuation with her. It was unbelievably unrealistic, but it still managed to make sense to my weak mind.

  I didn’t move for a while. She didn’t either. When I finally did, I lied back down and pulled the covers back over myself. I ran a hand over my face and wearily sighed.

  “Come lie down,” I softly demanded. “It’s early...there’s no sun out.”

  Her truths. My denial.

  I needed to sleep everything off.

  She was hesitant, but she still did remove her clothes until she was as bare as I. She tucked herself within me and held on tight.

  “I–I’m sorry,” she quietly wailed.

  I closed my eyes and swallowed hard.

  “It’s fine. We’ll talk about it later.”

  
**+**

  
  She left sometime before I woke up later on that day.

  I had been abandoned. My heart had been broken.

  Still no anger in me.

  She left nothing else but a letter behind. Her rushed writing and many mistakes, I savored them. The teardrops that stained the paper, I touched as if to wipe them away.

  She spoke of her parents, the people we had really traveled across the country for. She spoke of the time we visited them, how she cried when they had told her why they gave her up and why it was such a mistake. She talked about holding the baby, or her newborn sister, and how she hoped that one day, they would have a relationship that lasted forever. She then spoke of herself, why she coped with little white lies, how this wasn’t the first time she had been caught in the act. She apologized for wasting my time, she apologized for her existence. Her words then began to speak of me. My eyes, my smile, my laughs and jokes. She admitted that a piece of her heart still belonged to me and that there would be nothing in this world that would make her want to take it back. She thanked me for making this trip possible. She thanked me for an experience like no other.

  She finally concluded with a pretty heart that made me frown and a name that I was unfamiliar with.

 

  
**+**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally, the last fucking chapter...
> 
> the second part of this series will be up pretty soon since i'm now on spring break myself lmao
> 
> thanks to those who've been reading so far and also to those who've been giving amazing comments and kudos! you guys are great!


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